This weekend families will honor their matriarchs with flowers, lavish meals, gifts, hugs, and kisses, and possibly a roundtable of compliments and declarations of how mom has been the loving and amazing rock of the family.
Others will lovingly honor their mothers who have ascended and remember the care, support, tenderness, and words of wisdom she always offered.
For the past week, inboxes and televisions have been inundated with ads for the perfect Mother’s Day gift or experience. Offering a plethora of ways to spend money to celebrate mothers everywhere.
Right now I’m holding space for those whose relationship with dear ol’ mom hasn’t been, shall we say, sticky-sweet.
For many, Mother’s Day is a triggering and traumatic day. So many people have been wounded by their mothers. So many people are carrying the pain inflicted on them by their mothers in their blood and bones and feel they can’t verbally articulate that for fear of being judged for not loving their mother. (roll your eyes, inject air quotes, and add a heavy tone of sarcasm for the italicized)
Some mothers were tyrants and ruled with an acerbic temperament and a heavy hand.
Some mothers exerted heavy expectations on their children and watched with a pointed glare as their children worked tirelessly to measure up. Some of those children are still living in the shadow of never being good enough.
Some mothers tried to live vicariously through their children by forcing their hopes and dreams on them instead of listening to what their children wanted.
Some mothers were cold and aloof. They weren’t maternal. Weren’t nurturing. Weren’t loving.
And when I say children I don’t just mean young children. I’m also referring to adult children that still have unresolved issues, pain, and trauma when it comes to their mothers that have spilled over into many areas of their lives.
The gambit of emotions I have regarding my own mother cycled from fear to disdain to exhaustion and has finally landed at indifference. There are no warm and fuzzies when it comes to my mother, never have been. I offer this transparency to help someone shed the guilt they may be feeling that the pomp and circumstance of Mother’s Day exacerbates.
What’s interesting is it seems fathers are often let off the hook when it comes to not being loving and supportive when it comes to their children. Fathers aren’t expected to be these loving and nurturing creatures, just emotionless providers if they provide at all. But society has long set up the gratuitous altar of motherhood and expects children (of all ages) to mindlessly worship it whether the mother deserves it or not.
Whenever I talk to my mother, I hear the pain of regret in her voice about how she chose to raise my sister and me through the vehicle of fear. I see the pain in her eyes as she witnesses the love between my children and me that she’ll never experience with her own kids.
Some mothers who were tyrannical, aloof, judgemental, and overbearing in their ways are now finding themselves on the outside of their children’s lives.
At 54 years old people often say that I’m lucky to still have my mother here. Why do people do that? Stop saying that shit, especially when someone has shared that they don’t have a good relationship with their mother. Do I wish my mother any harm? No. Will I put my feelings aside just because she’s still here? Also no. It is what it is.
A lot of mothers owe their kids an apology. A lot of mothers need to sit and listen without interruption as their children talk about the pain they’ve been mired in for years. A lot of mothers need to take responsibility for the trauma they knowingly inflicted on their children. A lot of mothers need to learn to deal with their adult children as adults and stop trying to thrust their years gone by authority on the 12-year-old child they have frozen in their minds. A lot of mothers need to admit they were bad mothers and do the work to figure out why.
For those of you who don’t have a good relationship with your mother, I see you, I empathize with you, I honor you and I hold space for you. A lot of us are navigating a world that doesn’t always understand or accept the fact that we don’t like or even love our mothers. And that tolerating them, if at all, is the best that we can do.
For those who will be slathered in the ooey gooeyness of Mother’s Day and have a good relationship with your mom, cherish that because it’s truly a blessing. A blessing not everyone is privy to.
I offer this parting message to society as it prepares to celebrate Mother’s Day weekend. Stop constantly questioning in disbelief a person’s feelings of repulsion when it comes to their mothers and instead start asking these mothers why they chose to be so repulsive. As the late great Bernie Mac once said “You wanna run and tell them something, tell them that!”
Happy Mother’s Day? 🙃
This definitely triggered me! Jyretha definitely ruled with an iron fist and prided herself on being a tyrant! Ruling with fear; she literally said “you don’t need to be scared of the boogie man; you NEED to be scared of me!” We literally had a fist fight when I was 17 (not proud of it) because I was tired of her bullshyt..PERIODT! Thank for providing a safe space to feel my feelings in public without judgement. I need to good stiff and drink 😜😝
This will always hit home for various reasons. I’m going yo keep it cute today and enjoy my Mother’s Day with my children who I raised totally different from my “mother”. My kids and I have a great relationship (they get my nerves and vice versa; especially that little one) ) but we’re there for each other.
Enjoy your Mother's Day and as always thanking for continuing to write about the good, the bad and the ugly of life!